You're not my Queen

Queen of Shadows - Sarah J. Maas - 648 pages

50) Reader's Choice

(This is your formal warning that this isn't a review, it's a much needed rant)

But is it really a reader's choice? Do you choose to read the fourth book in a series you love? Yeah, I guess you do. But it didn't feel like it. Why? Sarah J. Maas held characters I loved as hostages to force me to struggle through this 648 page land of complaints.

I don't often have very strong feelings of anger towards a book or author, but it happens. It happens when you love a story and the author ruins it. And it happened with Queen of Shadows. 

To help me (and you) through this confusing time I've included gifs, which explain my feelings better than I ever could.

To start off I'd like to share this gif representing my overall feelings and what I would like to ask Maas-

or, more appropriately, WHAT WHAT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
Please tell me Rowan hit Aelin over the head a little too hard and this whole book is just a really messed up dream Aelin had. Because I KNOW you wouldn't publish a fifth book in which everything the characters do is against what we know they would do in the previous four books! I KNOW you wouldn't throw away the important characters and relationships established for this fan fiction!
Or maybe I don't know you at all. (Yeah, probably that one) Thus bringing us to this gif, representing my reaction to every freaking character in this book and Maas herself.

I don't even recognize these characters.

In the eloquent words of Aelin herself,

"Things changed. I changed."

Ya don't say. 

Aelin is not Celaena. Celaena, the sassy assassin went to Wendlyn and never came back. What returned in her place? 

"It's Aelin now," she snapped as loudly as she dared. "Celaena Sardothien doesn't exist anymore."

The most perfect wonderful Queen of shadows and heir of fire, the mighty Aelin. Yeah. The one that wanted to kill her "friend" Dorian then DEIGNS to say SHE came back for him. Oh, but when it's Choal's idea and conviction to save his friend and King, it's a terrible idea and it would be a kindness to kill him and Choal is an idiot and we shouldn't trust him with anything. Ever. 

#notbuyingyourcrap

SJM took Celaena overseas and replaced all the vibrant, deep characters with cheap imitations including Celaena herself. Suddenly, anyone without Fae blood is annoying and not good enough for Aelin.

"He (Aedion) and Rowan walked several paces ahead of Aelin, arrows loosely nocked in their bows as they picked out the way with their keen hearing and smell. If she had her damn Fae form, she could be helping instead of lingering behind with Chaol and Nesryn, but-"

Getting real tired of your crap Aelin.

Because Chaol isn't helping at all in this book, suddenly, he's turned into a burden to have along. He's human, and therefore not capable of anything useful. Oh, wait, there's this part - 

"Chaol knew the forest best, having come hunting this way with Dorian countless times. He'd laid out a path for them the night before..."

Oh no Sarah J Maas, I think you made him too useful, better make him do something stupid and out of character. (Fast forward 18 pages)

"The path veered away, and Chaol had taken the wrong fork."

Yeah. Lost in this forest he's been in countless times. Couldn't even take the right path back to the city. Makes sense.

No. It doesn't make sense. Nice try. But someone had to get caught by the witches so that perfect Aelin could save them all with her cleverness. So why not Choal the useless human? Need we be reminded that Manon was going to let them go before Aelin egged her on? So, no Aelin. Rowan being shot wasn't Choal's fault for getting caught, it's yours for creating a battle with Ironteeth witches. (But mostly SJM's for the most obvious plot device ever)

#ChoalDeservesBetter2015 

After all this, Aelin blames Choal for changing, saying there's so little left of the man she loved blah blah blah. Chased out of the castle, hunted down by the King, running a resistance, and all Aelin can focus on are the people he didn't save. The people he COULDN'T save! And when he drops this truth bomb - 

"Do you understand what it was like for us here? While you were off playing with magic, off gallivanting with your faerie prince, do you understand what happened to me - to Dorian?"

Aelin's response is along the lines of HOW DARE YOU I AM A QUEEN YOU'VE DONE NOTHING HELPFUL I'M PERFECT LOOK AT ROWAN'S MUSCLES. So Choal states the obvious, mutual feeling. 

You're not MY Queen. 

Too much truth here. And yet it's used to further make Choal look like the bad guy.

CHOAL IS THE ONLY CHARACTER THAT MAKES SENSE ANYMORE despite SJM's attempt to make him the simpleminded backstabbing human.

So, we're sacrificing Choal, one of the best and most down to earth characters with real progression up until this book, for what SJM? We have to make Choal look bad because here comes the perfect wonderful flawless King of the world, Rowan.

Rowan.

Rowan is vanilla. Not french vanilla, that cardboard vanilla ice-cream that comes in the cheap plastic tubs. He's the most boring thing since white bread. How do I begin to describe Rowan...

That gif set is more interesting than Rowan.

There is something so boring about a perfect character. How can I even try to relate to you? I was so hoping to learn more about Rowan in this book. What did we learn? He's basically Aelin's dog. He does whatever he's told, he doesn't hold Aelin responsible for her actions, he doesn't really interact with anyone who doesn't have Fae blood, all he does in this book is try to guard Aelin during the day and try not to bed her at night. Despite the fact that their relationship is completely platonic is hammered into your head in Heir of Fire. I can almost hear the fangirls screaming, BUT HE'S PERFECT! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE HIM??

How I imagine SJM trying to sell their love to me: Their love is interesting! It forbidden! They both have perfect bodies! They're sexy! They both have true loves that have died! He'd make a perfect King to her Queen! He took an arrow for her! He says things like this!

"You’re here—and you’re perfect. You always were, and you always will be.” - Rowan

It's so hard to love a person who's perfect and worships you, huh SJM? 

I think SJM should just run off with Rowan. Why would the famously independent Celaena Sardothien need an immortal faerie man to complete the tasks she was capable of doing alone before? SHE WAS SUCH A GREAT FEMALE CHARACTER. I think that's the biggest loss from this book. Capable, independent, and kind hearted despite her bringing up, Celaena was probably my favorite female character ever. Now we have Aelin who is condescending, self-righteous, dependent on Rowan to "put her back together", and willing to kill just about anyone.

"Do you understand," Aelin said very quietly to them, "that if I suspect they're going to betray us, they will die?"

It was true, and maybe it made her a monster to Chaol, but she didn't care.

"I know," Choal said.

"Then lead the way," Aelin said, her voice hollow. "And pray they can keep their mouths shut." 

 You're talking about killing the entire household of a midwife who is going to help your lover with an arrow through his shoulder. Forget Choal, that makes you a monster to ME. Celaena helped sneak people out of the country instead of murdering them for the King. Aelin is going to kill an entire household of good people if one of them speaks of seeing her to anyone.

Of course, there's really only one person to blame for this whole train wreck. Sarah J Maas. She continues to deliver great action sequences, but they are WAY too few and far between in this book. Unforgivably so. Excluding the Manon/Aelin battle and the so-short-it-was-almost-non-existant rescue of Aedion and murder of Arobyn, nothing happens in this book until the last one hundred pages. Meanwhile, we're treated to subpar writing with little nuggets of "gold" like this - 

"What if we go on, only to find a horrible end waiting for us?"

Aelin looked northward, as if she could see all the way to Terrasen. "Then it is not the end.”

You're SO wise Aelin, did you get that off a Hallmark card? Oh, no, it's an inspirational poster.

I don't trust you Sarah J Maas. Everything is NOT okay. But with two more books to go until the end? I think I may have to call it quits here. It's really sad to me that I now have to accept this book as canon. I'd rather erase it from my mind and live with Crown of Midnight as a stand alone. So thanks for the angry feelings.

You're not my Queen,

#KnopeOut,

Jamie

As You Wish, Half a War, & And Then There Were None

As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride - Cary Elwes - 259 pages
37) A non-fiction book

This year seems to be the year of The Princess Bride. I finally read the book earlier this year, then I had a Princess Bride birthday, THEN this book came into my life.
Cary Elwes was cast as Westley in The Princess Bride at age 24 having never done a comedy role before. And that's probably another reason he was perfect for the role. Rob Reiner wanted to match the tone of the book, not a slapstick full out comedy but a tongue in cheek humor that rings true while living in a fairy tale world. There's so much that Elwes remembers about the time filming the movie, things people like me are so delighted to hear. I almost feel that the reader's love for this book will be equal to their love for the movie. If you LOVE the movie and can't seem to know enough about it (like me), then you will LOVE this book. If you think it's a good movie, you'll think this book is good. And if you hate the movie? Get out.
This was another book on cd for me. There's something magical about having Cary recount these memories to you, including the use of impressions to portray his costars and production team. It doesn't end there though; other members of the team actually recorded their voices for the audio book too. I enjoyed this book immensely and highly recommend it to any Princess Bride fan.

Half a War - Joe Abercrombie - 362 pages
24) A trilogy (book 3)

Wow. What a way to go out. And yet? It doesn't seem an ending.
Once again, Abercrombie adds to his world by introducing a handful of new characters that he manages to make me care about. The stories not only include their own depth and climax, but add to overall story arch in significant ways. In Half a War we are introduced to Princess Skara (quickly promoted to Queen Skara) and her new and growing court which includes a sprinkle of pirates, spies, and rejects. Skara herself is underestimated frequently, but she knows that half of a war is fought with swords while the other half is fought with words. There's your teaser for those who haven't read this series.
For those who have, I have a question. They're guns, right? Seriously, they have to be, right?? Does that make me an elf? So many questions... But really, if they are guns as I suspect, it really makes you think about how technology can be such a devastating thing. Just think of the atom bomb. It also makes you think about who the bad guys are in this series. Father Yarvi is hell bent on his promise, that's what this is all about, revenge. But what was the cost of that revenge? Without Skara's intervention, Yarvi would become the new dictator of a land where violence begets violence without any skill or planning. Lots of thoughts.
Last thought though, the fake climax was rather anticlimactic, no? There was no way the other side could even stand a chance (see previous paragraph).
This was a good fantasy series, the supernatural elements have almost no presence in the first two books and appearing only in the last to be... not what you would expect. So it's different, but enjoyable for those interested in swordplay and voyages with a very human element.

And Then There Were None - Agatha Christie - 264 pages
9) A mystery or thriller

Why didn't I read this book in High School when I was supposed to? Because stubborn teenaged Jamie was dumb and didn't read class assignments fifty percent of the time.
What happens when ten strangers are invited to a mysterious island and begin to be killed off one by one after the fashion of a nursery rhyme? Suspense and paranoia.
This book scared me more than the book I read for this reading challenge that was supposed to be scary. Agatha Christie is the QUEEN of suspense. I sparknoted (which is now a verb) this book years ago and I STILL didn't see the end coming.
I would recommend this book to everyone. Especially the High School students who are supposed to be reading it. It's a fast read made even faster by the speed with which you'll be turning the pages.

43/50 Books Read

Read on,

Jamie